I hate justifying my actions. I really do. Here's a blog post that is purely, inexplicably personal. I guess I'm going with the strong guess that only Valerie and Carrie read my blog!
The time line for waiting for a baby from China is not growing shorte0r, but rather longer.
Now they are saying 28 months for those with Chinese descent and 41 months for non-Chinese descent families.
Two months down. At least 26 to go. Honestly, it stinks.
But also, I sometimes worry that I'll learn not to think about it. That I'll grow so tired of wanting her I'll just give up. Sometimes I wonder, what if we didn't want her after all this wait. I know that won't be true--but the reality is that we have to keep our hearts quickened with a love and desire and preparation for her, and that means we also have to keep our hearts somewhat raw with longing for her. We have to believe God is in on this--even in this extraordinarily long emptiness....
Is this how God loves us sometimes? Does he wait with sorrowful, impatient longing for us to be adopted into his family?
I don't suppose he ever worries he'll give up on his wait, does he?
I am praying that our family experiences God's grace in this and that he prepares us in all kinds of unseen ways for her to become part of our family.
Also, that he cares for her and her mother and father and any siblings in redemptive ways even now.
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Thanks for the update, Jenny. I've been wondering what news you might have. I doubt if there is really any way to stop longing for her and desiring the day when she is finally safe within your family. Hope is the thing that may be shaken. I don't know how to keep hope alive without being raw and vulnerable. It is such a tender and fragile thing, hope. You can see why Abraham and Sarah gave up. Every month would have brought that painful and bitter disappointment.
I'm sure you're right, God does love us in that yearning way. Just like the Prodigal's father, sorrowing but hopeful.
I'm praying for your family, too. And believing everything is possible.
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